Different ways of dealing with grief may cause problems for parents. For example, a woman may think that her partner is not as upset about the baby’s death as she is. She may think her partner doesn’t care. This may make her really angry.

On the other hand, a man may feel that his partner is too emotional. He may not want to hear about her feelings all the time. He may think she’ll never get over her grief. And he may feel left out of all the support his partner is getting. Friends and family may ask him “How’s your wife doing?” and forget to ask how he’s doing.

In general, here’s how women and men may show their grief:

Sharing feelings
Women may want to talk about the death of their baby often and with many people.

Men may grieve by themselves. They may not want to talk about their loss. They may spend more time at work or do things away from home to keep their minds off the loss.

Showing emotions
Women may show their feelings more often. They may cry or get angry a lot.

Men may feel that they’re supposed to be strong and tough. They’re supposed to protect their families. They may not know how to show their feelings. They may think that talking about their feelings makes them seem weak.

Asking for help
Women may be more likely to ask their partner, family or friends for help. Or they may go to their place of worship or to a support group.

Men may try to work through their grief on their own rather than ask someone for help.

Bonding with the baby
Women: The bond between a pregnant woman and her baby is special. The baby is very real to her. She may feel a strong attachment to the baby.

Men: A man may not feel as close to the baby during pregnancy. He’s not carrying the baby in his body. This may make the baby seem less real to him. A father may become more attached to the baby later in pregnancy when he feels the baby kick or sees the baby on an ultrasound. And he may be even more attached if the baby dies after birth.

Here are some things to remember as you and your partner grieve:

• Know that you both are in a lot of pain.
• Know that you may show your pain and feelings in different ways. That’s OK. Be patient and caring with each other.
• Try to keep talking about your thoughts and feelings. Don’t shut the door on each other.
• Talk about how you want to remember your baby.

“I didn’t know that losing a baby
happens to so many people. It’s
a comfort to know you’re not
alone. Other people have gotten
through the same thing.”

August 2008