The loss of your baby will have an impact on your relatives and friends although they will handle it in different ways. Many people simply don't know what to say, how to act, what to do to express their sympathy. They may be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing; they may feel helpless because they don't know how to comfort you or give you support.
Because of this, friends may say things that seem unsympathetic, or they may pull away so that it seems they're not there for you. They may be feeling vulnerable. All of which could leave your feeling alone and angry.
One way of dealing with this is simply to tell relatives and friends what you need from them, whether it's someone to listen to you or a home-cooked meal. While this may require extra energy on your part, the return will probably be worth it. People who care about you will generally be grateful to know what they can do . . . and you'll benefit by getting the kind of support and help you need.
While you'll want to talk with your family and friends about this in a way that is comfortable for you, here are some suggestions you might find useful:*
- Let them know that their calls and visits, their listening to you and letting you cry on their shoulder are all very important to you.
- Reassure them that you don't mind them asking questions. In fact, you need to talk about what happened and to cry about it. Thank them for asking.
- Confide that it would be most helpful to you if they offered to do specific things, like taking your kids for an afternoon or doing your grocery shopping, rather than suggesting that you contact them when you need help. You can explain that you don't have the energy to assign tasks and that you don't want to impose on them.
- Explain that you'd rather they share their feelings with you honestly, even if they do it awkwardly, than try to cheer you up or give advice or say the "perfect thing." Let them know that you understand they may not know what to say and that it's okay. Words from the heart, like "I can't imagine how awful this must be for you" or "I want to help you but I don't know how," are comforting in their honesty and empathy. Even their tears can be a comfort.
- Ask them to use your baby's name and remember him or her on anniversaries. Let them know that, even if you get pregnant again and have other children, you won't forget the baby who died.
- Thank them for their patience and support as you go through your grieving.
As time goes by, you may find that support from your family and friends dwindles. That doesn't mean they've forgotten about your baby or that they don't care. In all likelihood, they will continue to provide support if they know it's needed.
Keep in mind that, since grieving is a very individual thing, you need to do it according to your own timetable, not according to others' expectations of when you should "pull out of it." As you gradually have more and more good days, you'll resume your activities and contacts and allow yourself to laugh and have a good time. While the pain from losing a baby never goes away entirely, it does diminish enough so that you can go on with life and look forward to the future. Only you know how long you need to take to heal and to integrate the loss of your baby into your life. However, if you feel that you've become stuck in one phase of grieving or are unable to return to your normal activities, you should seek counseling.
